I hate men because of my deadbeat babyfather

Dear Pastor,

I am a 24-year-old mother of one child. My son is four years old. His father and I began dating when I was 17, and soon after we started to have sex. I was living with my visually-impaired grandmother. Despite her not being able to see well, she knew my boyfriend’s voice and, whenever he came to visit me, he used to go and talk to her. They had long conversations. 

He was 22 years old when we started to date. I had my own room and I used to let him in when my grandmother was sleeping. She was not always aware when he was visiting me. 

Our relationship was going very well until he got me pregnant and he wanted me to abort the pregnancy. I told him that I wouldn’t do that. I told my grandmother that I got pregnant. When I realised that I was pregnant, I cried for days; not so much that I was pregnant, but this man was pressing me to throw away the belly. 

I informed my mother that I got pregnant and she did not take that very well. However, my godfather helped me because my boyfriend started to ignore me. My godfather and his wife assisted me with a job. I cleaned their house. They had a washing machine and a dryer. As I advanced in my pregnancy, my godfather or his wife took me home after work. They tried to talk to my boyfriend 

One day, he told them that I should go and look for a man, and I should stop mentioning his name with another man. I started to hate this man for what he said to my godfather. When the child was born, I registered him in my name. The child is the ‘dead stamp’ of his father. He has everything for his father. When his relatives see the child, they call him wicked. His own mother, who at first believed that I had another man, started to give me money to help with this man’s child. 

He is now coming around asking me to forgive him. He also suggested that we get back together for the sake of the child. 

I could never allow such a man to go to bed with me again. He would have to drug me. My son is doing well in school. He stays with my godfather and his wife. They bring him to me on weekends. My godparents have treated me as their biological daughter. 

When they took me in and offered me help, this guy told some of my friends that my godfather is the biological father of the child so I am living with him. I cannot have anything to do with this man; nothing at all. He has caused me to hate all men.  

 I don’t have any feelings for men. I don’t know if that will change after I graduate from college but, right now, I am concentrating on my studies. 

P.

Dear P.,

As I read this letter, I am reminded of a letter I received many years ago from a young lady who was having an affair with another girl.  We also had conversations on the phone. She was attending high school at the time and she came from an upscale community. I asked her how she could carry on that relationship. I asked her about her parents. They were hardworking people, as Jamaicans would say; society people. So I asked her where she got time to spend with her girlfriend and she said the girl came to see her after school. Although the helper was around, her lover would come straight into her bedroom and they carried on their naughtiness. 

I asked her whether the helper heard them and she said the helper is deaf, so she wouldn’t hear any noise that they were making in the room. 

Your letter brought back what the young woman told me about the deaf helper. Because you knew that your grandmother could not see, you allowed this no-good man to use you as he pleased and he impregnated you. He then tried to get you to terminate the pregnancy by telling folks that it was your godfather who got you pregnant. 

What a big lie!

 I am glad that your godfather and his wife took care of you. Right now, they are doing their best to help your son. The day may come when you may want to tell your son who is his father. 

I hope you are doing well in college. Keep strong and please let me hear from you again. 

Pastor